I Could/Couldn't Care Less

Today, darlings, we are going to go a little bit off theme.  Today's phrase is not something that I don't understand nor is it something that i use improperly.  It is something that I COMPLETELY understand because it is an extremely simple phrase to understand.  That aside, it's something that I hear people say incorrectly A LOT.  What is it?  It is this:

The right way:  "I couldn't care less."

The wrong way:  "I could care less."

See what I mean?  When we as conversationalists use this phrase what we mean is "There is no possible way I could care any less about (blank).  I already don't care at all, so it would be impossible for me to care any less than i do now."  Simple, right?  But you know and I know that just as often you hear people say the latter of the above phrases which basically means "I care about (blank).  Maybe not more than anything else in the world, but I do care, as illustrated by the fact that it would be possible for me to care less."

Let's see what the internets say!!

First, here is a little graph, which proves with science that I am correct.

While we could put the whole thing to bed right there, now that we have graphs on our side, indulge me just a little further please.

A quick Google search revealed to me this list of bands who have used the phrase "I could care less" to mean that they don't care at all in song titles and lyrics:

Devildriver
Incubus
Fall Out Boy
Taking Back Sunday
Beyonce

While you won't really catch me endorsing any of these bands except Beyonce (girl, you know how I do.) it irritates me to no end that nowhere during the lengthy process of song creation was it pointed out to these people that this phrase sounds RIDICULOUS and is the exact OPPOSITE of what they are trying to express.  As was pointed out to me last night, this is very similar to the David Cross bit about people misusing the word literally.  You know the one, "....that was so funny, I literally shit my pants".  Ho man!!  Let's.



Moving on....

In the interest of tempering my ire, I will show you this, which I found on Wisegeek.com:

There is some suggestion that the phrase “I could care less” may have been adopted because it fit into certain Yiddish phrases that deliberately mean the opposite and can be viewed as sarcastic. Such phrases include, “I should be so lucky,” which really means you’re not likely to have the luck. Another phrase, “Tell me about it,” means the opposite. It’s merely a way to agree with the speaker. Alternately, speaking the term “Testify!” as used in certain Christian churches, is a similar agreement that seldom means someone is actually going to sit down or stand up and give a testimony of how they converted to Christianity.
Another theory, advanced by linguistics specialist Henry Churchyard, suggested the statement “You know nothing and you care less” used in Jane Austen’s Mansfield Park is the origin of the term. If this were the case, the “know nothing” would be comparative to caring less than the little you know. The current version of the phrase would then represent idiom by omission.
It should be stated that Mansfield Park is one of Austen’s least popular books, and was in general slammed by the critics during Austen’s time and thereafter. That people would quote from it is in significant dispute. However, if Austen used the term as one common to her day, it’s possible it was already in use. The whole quote “You know nothing and you care less, as people say,” is important because it advances the possibility the phrase was in use in Austen’s day and she is not its inventor.
In any case, “I could care less,” must be interpreted as not caring at all. Whether by omission, design, laziness or quote, it’s one of those mixed up idioms that plagues learners of English.

While I respect both the wisdom and the geekiness of that explanation I still REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT.

To wrap things up let's take a look at some personal examples:

I couldn't care less about:  The musicians listed above, with the notable exception of Beyonce.

I could care less (a lot less) about:  this beautiful peacock.

The End.

Oleander can totally 86 your ass.

That sounds right, right?  There was even that book about it.  And then that movie based on that book.  That movie where Michelle Pfeiffer gave the most amazing and subtle performance in the world, ever and Billy Connolly played the dude that she understandably fell in love with and lost her shit over.

* Unrelated but useful information:  Any movie that begins with a young girl delivering a breathy, world weary, yet charmingly optimistic voiceover is almost certain to be cloyingly horrific throughout.  You can just turn it off when that starts and watch an episode of Arrested Development.  That's a voiceover you can trust.

Recently I was driving to Palm Springs with some folks who live in California and Oleander was growing freaking everywhere.  For example, it was lining almost every highway, it was planted in beds at the airport, and big hedges of it were completely surrounding these polo fields we were camping on.  This, to me, would lead the average thinking person to conclude that reports of it's SUPER DUPER POISONOUS status have been greatly exaggerated.   A gal who was with us heard me saying something about how pretty it is and she was all "*sigh* It is really pretty, isn't it?  I mean, every summer a few abusive husbands and some pets will turn up dead from it, but it really is beautiful".

Wha wha whats? you may be asking yourself.  And that would make sense.  Especially if your tent is about two feet away from this mess.  Well children, let's let the internet tell us what is actually going on with this oleander business, why don't we?


Wikipedia says:   Oleander is one of the most poisonous plants in the world and contains numerous toxic compounds, many of which are deadly to people, especially young children.....

High risk circumstances of exposure include children playing with the ornamental shrub, as well as adults or children tasting, chewing, ingesting portions of the plant, and inappropriate medicinal use of plant infusion.  Oleander bark contains rosagenin which is known for its strychnine-like effects. The entire plant, including the sap, is toxic, and any part can cause an adverse reaction. Oleander is also known to hold its toxicity even after drying. It is thought that a handful or 10-20 leaves consumed by an adult can cause an adverse reaction, and a single leaf could be lethal to an infant or child....

Around 0.23 mg per pound of body weight is lethal to many animals, and various other doses will affect other animals. Most animals can suffer a reaction or death from this plant....


Drugs dot com says:  Phytodermatitis caused by contact with oleander has been reported frequently. (that's a rashy allergic reaction that is activated by sunlight.  vampires!!)

Oleander is extremely toxic. Major toxicity includes disturbances in heart rhythm and death. Other signs of toxicity include pain in the oral cavity*, nausea, emesis, abdominal pain, cramping, and diarrhea.....(* This is sometimes called the mouth, for all you laypersons.)

Despite its well-recognized toxic potential, the oleander has been used in traditional medicine for centuries.  Its uses included the management of such diverse ailments as cardiac illnesses, asthma, corns, cancer, and epilepsy.  (Ummm....)

It was used by primitive people as arrow and dart poisons.

American Cancer Society says:

During the 1960s, Huseyin Z. Ozel, MD, a Turkish physician, began his studies of oleander as an anti-cancer treatment. He developed an oleander extract that he patented and trademarked in the United States and Europe as Anvirzel. He began his study because of folk traditions that suggested that an extract of oleander was effective against leukemia. 

...Anvirzel was available at one time, but it has not been approved for marketing by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA). In March 2000, the FDA warned Anvirzel’s manufacturers to stop promoting the product as safe and effective after it found misleading information on their Web site.

The oleander plant is poisonous, and many people have died of heart failure or respiratory paralysis after eating parts of the plant or drinking tea made from it. Some of the symptoms and signs of oleander toxicity are nausea, vomiting, colic, appetite loss, dizziness, drowsiness, high potassium levels, dilated pupils, bloody diarrhea, seizures, loss of consciousness, slow or irregular pulse, and heart block—a blockage of the electrical impulses that stimulate the heart to contract. There have been reports of death occurring after oral and/or rectal administration of the extract from the plant. The FDA has received reports of at least 2 deaths linked to Anvirzel.  

ALSO:  There are a shocking number of websites dedicated to telling one how to kill oneself with relatively easy to obtain items.  Oleander is on all of those lists, which makes sense because if you live in California you're probably sitting next to some RIGHT NOW.  I'm not linking those though, because well.....just because.

NOW THE FUN STUFF!!

A creepy ass Louisiana plantation murder legend:

The legend of Chloe

Possibly the most well known of the Myrtles supposed ghosts, Chloe was reportedly a slave owned by Clark and Sara Woodruff. According to one story, Clark Woodruff had pressured or forced Chloe into being his mistress.  Other versions of the legend have Chloe listening in at keyholes to learn news of Clark Woodruff's business dealings or for other purposes. After being caught, either by Clark or Sara Woodruff, one of her ears was cut off, and she wore a green turban to hide it.
Chloe supposedly baked a birthday cake containing extract of boiled and reduced oleander leaves, which are extremely poisonous. The various legends diverge as to why she did this, with some saying she was getting revenge on the Woodruffs and some saying she was attempting to redeem her position by curing the family of the poisoning. According to the legends, her plan backfired. Only Sara and her two daughters ate the cake, and all died from the poison. Chloe was then supposedly hanged by the other slaves,and thrown into the Mississippi River, either as punishment or to escape punishment by Clark Woodruff for harboring her.
The historical record does not support this legend. There is no record of the Woodruffs owning a slave named Chloe,Cleo or any slaves. The legends usually claim that Sara and her two daughters were poisoned, but Mary Octavia survived well into adulthood. Finally, Sara, James, and Cornelia Woodruff were not killed by poisoning, but instead succumbed to yellow fever. Regardless of the factual accuracy of the Chloe story, some believe a woman wearing a green turban haunts the plantation.

Oleander and Boyscouts and other specious tales

Basically, a bunch of Boyscouts are out in the wilderness roasting marshmallows and hotdogs and other foods on sticks.  And lo!  Those sticks are from an Oleander plant.  The Boyscouts eat their campfire food and die.




So, in conclusion, yep oleander can absolutely kill you.  From what I can tell these are the top categories of people who should be especially vigilant about Oleander poisoning:

1.)  Babies (so....parents.  babies are terrible at being vigilant.)
2.)  People with PICA
3.)  People who are urban legends and terrible Boyscouts.
4.)  People who are hated by witchy, Stevie Nicks types.
5.)  People who know Michelle Pfeiffer
6.)  Triflin ass plantation owners.


That was fun.  Thank you for your time.  DON'T EAT ORNAMENTAL SHRUBBERY.

On/Off The Wagon? Which is the bad one?

This is one of the hardest for me to remember, silly as that may seem.  I never ever use it because I never feel sure that I would use it correctly.

Real quick:

On the wagon:  you have stopped doing something. (usually drinking alcohol, but anything fun really.)
Off the wagon:  you have begun doing this thing again.

BUT....if you add the word "band" it's opposite, pretty much.

On the bandwagon:  you have started doing something (that other people are doing)
Off the bandwagon:  you have stopped doing something (that other people are doing)

Oh, Phrase Finder:  On the wagon' was coined in the USA around the turn of the 20th century. The phrase began as 'on the water-cart', migrated to 'on the water-wagon' and finally to 'on the wagon'.

Suggested explanations of the origin of 'on the wagon' focus on actual wagons that were used to transport people; for example, condemned prisoners who had taken their last drink in this life and were transported to the gallows by wagon. Another story has it that Evangeline Booth, the US Salvation Army National Commander, toured the Bowery slums in a wagon picking up drunks and delivering them to sobriety.

(That's not actually the true origin but it's close and it's pretty funny.)




And what about that bandwagon?

The word bandwagon was coined in the USA in the mid 19th century, simply as the name for the wagon that carried a circus band. Phineas T. Barnum, the great showman and circus owner, used the term in 1855 in his unambiguously named autobiography The Life of P.T. Barnum, Written by Himself, 1855:

"At Vicksburg we sold all our land conveyances excepting four horses and the 'band wagon'."

 And jumping on it?

Circus workers were skilled at attracting the public with the razzmatazz of a parade through town, complete with highly decorated bandwagons. In the late 19th century, politicians picked up on this form of attracting a crowd and began using bandwagons when campaigning for office.

The transition from the literal 'jumping on a bandwagon', in order to show one's alliance to a politician, to the figurative use we know now was complete by the 1890s. Theodore (Teddy) Roosevelt made a clear-cut reference to the practice in his Letters, 1899 (published 1951):

"When I once became sure of one majority they tumbled over each other to get aboard the band wagon."

And as an extra:

two teenage boys, a.k.a. The Josh + Joe Experience play the Green Day song Off The Wagon, with no lyrics, in a bedroom....or a rec room, or something.
 

Cracking One's Sternum. Really?

Recently a friend told me that since she's been doing Bikram yoga regularly her sternum has popped a couple of times....and that it is crazy.  This revelation led me to realize that I apparently don't know what a sternum is.  To the extent that I thought I knew, I imagined it to be a solid piece of bone and not something capable of "cracking".  So.....what the hell?

 

It turns out I do know what a sternum is.  Or, at least, pretty much.  It is actually a big 'ol piece of bone in the middle of your chest. It isn't jointed in any way.  For some reason that makes me feel a lot better.  I don't want my heart parts cover to be jointed.  I want a solid wall of defense.  However I found out via Wikipedia that it is connected to your ribs by cartilage (which i guess connects with some kind of joint but a different kind....some non-standard joint) and is connected to your clavicles by joints.  So I think that what is popping are those joints, which sounds heinous.  There seem to be about equal opinions on the internets about whether it's totally awesome and okay or whether you should immediately take your cracky sternum to a chiropractor.  That's really neither here nor there, i just wanted to know if it was possbile.  And I guess it is....kind of.  There was a lot of stuff about it on yoga forums but also lots of stuff out there in the internet about it happening when people stretch in the morning and stuff like that.  So, basically it's a stretching thing.  The lesson here?  Never stretch anything, if you can help it.

Wikipedia tells you about your sternum and shows you diagrams.

Sternums cracking on a bike forum.  The tenth post down is kind of the only one that sounds remotely informed.

And here is a pretty awesome video of a guy doing some kind of thing with his body.  Seems like it might get some stuff to crack.  Also, he yells at you to giggle a couple of times and then giggles maniacly himself.  It's worth waiting for.

What in the heck is a Door Mouse?

First of all, a door mouse is a dormouse.  That's good to know.

Wikipedia says: Dormice are small for rodents, with a body length of between 6 and 19 cm (2.4 and 7.5 in), and weighing between 15 and 200 g (0.53 and 7.1 oz). They are generally mouse-like in appearance, but with furred, rather than scaly, tails. They are largely but not exclusively arboreal animals, and are agile and well adapted to climbing. Most species are nocturnal. Dormice have an excellent sense of hearing, and signal each other with a range of different vocalisations.
and
One of the most notable characteristics of those dormice that live in temperate zones is hiberbation. Dormice can hibernate six months out of the year, or even longer if the weather remains sufficiently cool, sometimes waking for brief periods to eat food they had previously stored nearby. During the summer, they accumulate fat in their bodies, to nourish them through the hibernation period.
and...Ack!
The edible species was considered a delicacy in ancient Rome, either as a savoury appetizer or as a dessert (dipped in honey and poppy seeds). The Romans had a special kind of enclosure known as glirarium used to rear dormice for the table. Dormice to this day are eaten in Slovenia.  Dormouse fat was used by the Elizabethans to induce sleep. 
(a really large number of pictures of dormice i found on flickr were labeled edible.  that sucks.)


This website has a lot of information on them and also diagrams and also really cute pictures.

Also, Alice In Wonderland.
Also, Jefferson Airplane.
Also, Beatrix Potter has story called Ginger and Pickles featuring some sleepy dormice.

Also, A.A. Milne:

The Dormouse and The Doctor

There once was a Dormouse who lived in a bed
Of delphiniums (blue) and geraniums (red),
And all the day long he'd a wonderful view
Of geraniums (red) and delphiniums (blue).

A Doctor came hurrying round, and he said:
"Tut-tut, I am sorry to find you in bed.
Just say 'Ninety-nine' while I look at your chest....
Don't you find that chrysanthemums answer the best?"

The Dormouse looked round at the view and replied
(When he'd said "Ninety-nine") that he'd tried and he'd tried,
And much the most answering things that he knew
Were geraniums (red) and delphiniums (blue).

The Doctor stood frowning and shaking his head,
And he took up his shiny silk hat as he said:
"What the patient requires is a change," and he went
To see some chrysanthemum people in Kent.

The Dormouse lay there, and he gazed at the view
Of geraniums (red) and delphiniums (blue),
And he knew there was nothing he wanted instead
Of delphiniums (blue) and geraniums (red).

The Doctor came back and, to show what he meant,
He had brought some chrysanthemum cuttings from Kent.
"Now these," he remarked, "give a much better view
Than geraniums (red) and delphiniums (blue)."

They took out their spades and they dug up the bed
Of delphiniums (blue) and geraniums (red),
And they planted chrysanthemums (yellow and white).
"And now," said the Doctor, "we'll soon have you right."

The Dormouse looked out, and he said with a sigh:
"I suppose all these people know better than I.
It was silly, perhaps, but I did like the view
Of geraniums (red) and delphiniums (blue)."

The Doctor came round and examined his chest,
And ordered him Nourishment, Tonics, and Rest.
"How very effective," he said, as he shook
The thermometer, "all these chrysanthemums look!"

The Dormouse turned over to shut out the sight
Of the endless chrysanthemums (yellow and white).
"How lovely," he thought, "to be back in a bed
Of delphiniums (blue) and geraniums (red.)"

The Doctor said, "Tut! It's another attack!"
And ordered him Milk and Massage-of-the-back,
And Freedom-from-worry and Drives-in-a-car,
And murmured, "How sweet your chrysanthemums are!"

The Dormouse lay there with his paws to his eyes,
And imagined himself such a pleasant surprise:
"I'll pretend the chrysanthemums turn to a bed
Of delphiniums (blue) and geraniums (red)!"

The Doctor next morning was rubbing his hands,
And saying, "There's nobody quite understands
These cases as I do! The cure has begun!
How fresh the chrysanthemums look in the sun!"

The Dormouse lay happy, his eyes were so tight
He could see no chrysanthemums, yellow or white.
And all that he felt at the back of his head
Were delphiniums (blue) and geraniums (red).

And that is the reason (Aunt Emily said)
If a Dormouse gets in a chrysanthemum bed,
You will find (so Aunt Emily says) that he lies
Fast asleep on his front with his paws to his eyes.


So basically a dormouse is a tiny, very shy, very sleep little rodent that people sometimes eat.  It seems like if you ask most people to tell you what they know about dormice they'll tell you that they are very very very sleepy. Which is cute.  They don't actually fall asleep in mid sentence....but only because they can't talk.

Underwater Photography.

I have never really understood how this works.  I guess i assumed that you had to have one of those big Jacques Cousteau cameras on wheels (they look like little hotdog carts).  Turns out, that's not true.  Of course.

 

Here is a really complete guide to basically all things underwater photography:

Underwater Photography Guide

And then there's this rundown, which is better suited to my attention span, courtesy of Photo.net:
Underwater Photography: a primer

And here are some underwater housings for different sorts of cameras:
Underwater Camera Housings

And here is just one of several AWESOME underwater photography groups on Flickr:
Underwater Portraiture Group

If you'd prefer not to have to read all of that it basically goes like this:

* buy a waterproof camera and then use it.

OR

* buy a waterproof housing for whatever kind of camera you like to use.  it seems like the more expensive the camera the more expensive the housing will be but pretty much all of them come with a guarantee to the effect that they will replace your camera if the housing doesn't protect it.

* go underwater

* take pictures, remembering that light is refracted differently and stuff like depth of field is going to be pretty crazy.