I Could/Couldn't Care Less

Today, darlings, we are going to go a little bit off theme.  Today's phrase is not something that I don't understand nor is it something that i use improperly.  It is something that I COMPLETELY understand because it is an extremely simple phrase to understand.  That aside, it's something that I hear people say incorrectly A LOT.  What is it?  It is this:

The right way:  "I couldn't care less."

The wrong way:  "I could care less."

See what I mean?  When we as conversationalists use this phrase what we mean is "There is no possible way I could care any less about (blank).  I already don't care at all, so it would be impossible for me to care any less than i do now."  Simple, right?  But you know and I know that just as often you hear people say the latter of the above phrases which basically means "I care about (blank).  Maybe not more than anything else in the world, but I do care, as illustrated by the fact that it would be possible for me to care less."

Let's see what the internets say!!

First, here is a little graph, which proves with science that I am correct.

While we could put the whole thing to bed right there, now that we have graphs on our side, indulge me just a little further please.

A quick Google search revealed to me this list of bands who have used the phrase "I could care less" to mean that they don't care at all in song titles and lyrics:

Devildriver
Incubus
Fall Out Boy
Taking Back Sunday
Beyonce

While you won't really catch me endorsing any of these bands except Beyonce (girl, you know how I do.) it irritates me to no end that nowhere during the lengthy process of song creation was it pointed out to these people that this phrase sounds RIDICULOUS and is the exact OPPOSITE of what they are trying to express.  As was pointed out to me last night, this is very similar to the David Cross bit about people misusing the word literally.  You know the one, "....that was so funny, I literally shit my pants".  Ho man!!  Let's.



Moving on....

In the interest of tempering my ire, I will show you this, which I found on Wisegeek.com:

There is some suggestion that the phrase “I could care less” may have been adopted because it fit into certain Yiddish phrases that deliberately mean the opposite and can be viewed as sarcastic. Such phrases include, “I should be so lucky,” which really means you’re not likely to have the luck. Another phrase, “Tell me about it,” means the opposite. It’s merely a way to agree with the speaker. Alternately, speaking the term “Testify!” as used in certain Christian churches, is a similar agreement that seldom means someone is actually going to sit down or stand up and give a testimony of how they converted to Christianity.
Another theory, advanced by linguistics specialist Henry Churchyard, suggested the statement “You know nothing and you care less” used in Jane Austen’s Mansfield Park is the origin of the term. If this were the case, the “know nothing” would be comparative to caring less than the little you know. The current version of the phrase would then represent idiom by omission.
It should be stated that Mansfield Park is one of Austen’s least popular books, and was in general slammed by the critics during Austen’s time and thereafter. That people would quote from it is in significant dispute. However, if Austen used the term as one common to her day, it’s possible it was already in use. The whole quote “You know nothing and you care less, as people say,” is important because it advances the possibility the phrase was in use in Austen’s day and she is not its inventor.
In any case, “I could care less,” must be interpreted as not caring at all. Whether by omission, design, laziness or quote, it’s one of those mixed up idioms that plagues learners of English.

While I respect both the wisdom and the geekiness of that explanation I still REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT.

To wrap things up let's take a look at some personal examples:

I couldn't care less about:  The musicians listed above, with the notable exception of Beyonce.

I could care less (a lot less) about:  this beautiful peacock.

The End.

Oleander can totally 86 your ass.

That sounds right, right?  There was even that book about it.  And then that movie based on that book.  That movie where Michelle Pfeiffer gave the most amazing and subtle performance in the world, ever and Billy Connolly played the dude that she understandably fell in love with and lost her shit over.

* Unrelated but useful information:  Any movie that begins with a young girl delivering a breathy, world weary, yet charmingly optimistic voiceover is almost certain to be cloyingly horrific throughout.  You can just turn it off when that starts and watch an episode of Arrested Development.  That's a voiceover you can trust.

Recently I was driving to Palm Springs with some folks who live in California and Oleander was growing freaking everywhere.  For example, it was lining almost every highway, it was planted in beds at the airport, and big hedges of it were completely surrounding these polo fields we were camping on.  This, to me, would lead the average thinking person to conclude that reports of it's SUPER DUPER POISONOUS status have been greatly exaggerated.   A gal who was with us heard me saying something about how pretty it is and she was all "*sigh* It is really pretty, isn't it?  I mean, every summer a few abusive husbands and some pets will turn up dead from it, but it really is beautiful".

Wha wha whats? you may be asking yourself.  And that would make sense.  Especially if your tent is about two feet away from this mess.  Well children, let's let the internet tell us what is actually going on with this oleander business, why don't we?


Wikipedia says:   Oleander is one of the most poisonous plants in the world and contains numerous toxic compounds, many of which are deadly to people, especially young children.....

High risk circumstances of exposure include children playing with the ornamental shrub, as well as adults or children tasting, chewing, ingesting portions of the plant, and inappropriate medicinal use of plant infusion.  Oleander bark contains rosagenin which is known for its strychnine-like effects. The entire plant, including the sap, is toxic, and any part can cause an adverse reaction. Oleander is also known to hold its toxicity even after drying. It is thought that a handful or 10-20 leaves consumed by an adult can cause an adverse reaction, and a single leaf could be lethal to an infant or child....

Around 0.23 mg per pound of body weight is lethal to many animals, and various other doses will affect other animals. Most animals can suffer a reaction or death from this plant....


Drugs dot com says:  Phytodermatitis caused by contact with oleander has been reported frequently. (that's a rashy allergic reaction that is activated by sunlight.  vampires!!)

Oleander is extremely toxic. Major toxicity includes disturbances in heart rhythm and death. Other signs of toxicity include pain in the oral cavity*, nausea, emesis, abdominal pain, cramping, and diarrhea.....(* This is sometimes called the mouth, for all you laypersons.)

Despite its well-recognized toxic potential, the oleander has been used in traditional medicine for centuries.  Its uses included the management of such diverse ailments as cardiac illnesses, asthma, corns, cancer, and epilepsy.  (Ummm....)

It was used by primitive people as arrow and dart poisons.

American Cancer Society says:

During the 1960s, Huseyin Z. Ozel, MD, a Turkish physician, began his studies of oleander as an anti-cancer treatment. He developed an oleander extract that he patented and trademarked in the United States and Europe as Anvirzel. He began his study because of folk traditions that suggested that an extract of oleander was effective against leukemia. 

...Anvirzel was available at one time, but it has not been approved for marketing by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA). In March 2000, the FDA warned Anvirzel’s manufacturers to stop promoting the product as safe and effective after it found misleading information on their Web site.

The oleander plant is poisonous, and many people have died of heart failure or respiratory paralysis after eating parts of the plant or drinking tea made from it. Some of the symptoms and signs of oleander toxicity are nausea, vomiting, colic, appetite loss, dizziness, drowsiness, high potassium levels, dilated pupils, bloody diarrhea, seizures, loss of consciousness, slow or irregular pulse, and heart block—a blockage of the electrical impulses that stimulate the heart to contract. There have been reports of death occurring after oral and/or rectal administration of the extract from the plant. The FDA has received reports of at least 2 deaths linked to Anvirzel.  

ALSO:  There are a shocking number of websites dedicated to telling one how to kill oneself with relatively easy to obtain items.  Oleander is on all of those lists, which makes sense because if you live in California you're probably sitting next to some RIGHT NOW.  I'm not linking those though, because well.....just because.

NOW THE FUN STUFF!!

A creepy ass Louisiana plantation murder legend:

The legend of Chloe

Possibly the most well known of the Myrtles supposed ghosts, Chloe was reportedly a slave owned by Clark and Sara Woodruff. According to one story, Clark Woodruff had pressured or forced Chloe into being his mistress.  Other versions of the legend have Chloe listening in at keyholes to learn news of Clark Woodruff's business dealings or for other purposes. After being caught, either by Clark or Sara Woodruff, one of her ears was cut off, and she wore a green turban to hide it.
Chloe supposedly baked a birthday cake containing extract of boiled and reduced oleander leaves, which are extremely poisonous. The various legends diverge as to why she did this, with some saying she was getting revenge on the Woodruffs and some saying she was attempting to redeem her position by curing the family of the poisoning. According to the legends, her plan backfired. Only Sara and her two daughters ate the cake, and all died from the poison. Chloe was then supposedly hanged by the other slaves,and thrown into the Mississippi River, either as punishment or to escape punishment by Clark Woodruff for harboring her.
The historical record does not support this legend. There is no record of the Woodruffs owning a slave named Chloe,Cleo or any slaves. The legends usually claim that Sara and her two daughters were poisoned, but Mary Octavia survived well into adulthood. Finally, Sara, James, and Cornelia Woodruff were not killed by poisoning, but instead succumbed to yellow fever. Regardless of the factual accuracy of the Chloe story, some believe a woman wearing a green turban haunts the plantation.

Oleander and Boyscouts and other specious tales

Basically, a bunch of Boyscouts are out in the wilderness roasting marshmallows and hotdogs and other foods on sticks.  And lo!  Those sticks are from an Oleander plant.  The Boyscouts eat their campfire food and die.




So, in conclusion, yep oleander can absolutely kill you.  From what I can tell these are the top categories of people who should be especially vigilant about Oleander poisoning:

1.)  Babies (so....parents.  babies are terrible at being vigilant.)
2.)  People with PICA
3.)  People who are urban legends and terrible Boyscouts.
4.)  People who are hated by witchy, Stevie Nicks types.
5.)  People who know Michelle Pfeiffer
6.)  Triflin ass plantation owners.


That was fun.  Thank you for your time.  DON'T EAT ORNAMENTAL SHRUBBERY.